Fear of publishing is real

You can conquer almost any fear if you will only make up your mind to do so. For remember, fear doesn't exist anywhere except in the mind. -Dale Carnegie

I’m sure a famous writer and lecturer such as Dale knows what he’s talking about, but I’m still having a hard time with a certain “fear of publishing”. I’ve looked it up several times now on a list of phobias – I can’t find it. It must exist. I have it! I have found agateophobia – fear of insanity; could be a related disorder. Also on the list: allodoxaphobia – fear of opinions, arithmophobia- fear of numbers and atychiphobia- fear of failure. That’s just the A’s, folks. This could go on forever. Yet nothing on the fear of hitting the Save and Publish button in Amazon KDP or Submit for Review in CreateSpace.

Now as to what’s holding me back: why fear? My mouse has hovered over Save and Publish twice today. It’s visited the Amazon KDP Bookshelf several times this week, and not just because I was checking sales. How else can I explain why I have a book that’s ready to go, post-beta reads and edits, yet I refuse to make it available? At first I rationalized it as, “The release date isn’t until November. Takes Amazon and the other online retailers a few days to make the title available. Why can’t you just wait?” Yes, I have conversations like that in my head. It helps that I know some psychologists.

Potential sources of fear? No clue. I’m not afraid it isn’t a good story. My trusted beta readers have assured me it was worth their time. Nor do I worry about the opinions it will generate. I’ve stopped reading reviews for a bit now. People will either like or hate it but that won’t change the story.  Strangely enough, I have been telling anyone who would listen, “I’ve spent more years than I wanted to on this book and its prequel. Time to let it go!” Somehow, I just can’t seem to do that.

Just a note to the psychologists I’ve mentioned above: fear of publishing is real. You might want to assign a named phobia to it. At this rate, I’ll be checking into your office SOON. Actually, I know some folks with upcoming release dates, so I might be referring a few friends. 

"I will stop reading reviews of my books!"

He probably just read a review of his book.

This morning, a darling friend of mine emailed and mentioned she'd received her first poor review. Apparently, the reviewer must be used to those kick-ass Victorian heroines, who somehow manage to kick all those asses while wearing dresses with bustles, rather than the sedate, much more historically accurate girls of the period, who never kicked anyone's ass for fear of being disinherited and ostracized. So, when I reply to my best bud at lunch, I'm going to say this, "Don't read reviews. They are not for you. They are to inform potential buyers and readers. Ignore the reviews. Stop it. I said, stop it!"

Why? For the same reason that I seem to keep forgetting - reviews will vary, because every reader has a different taste and expectation. I know this. My Amazon freebie of On Falcon's Wings is still going on - I think / hope the price should change next week back to $2.99, now that all the other sites have also reverted back to that price (except Kobo - waiting on YOU). Thousands of downloads later, I'm getting in some reviews from 1-star ("too many characters") to 5-stars ("lots of characters, but the reader kept it all straight"). See why I shouldn't be looking at reviews - who's right here? Yet, each time a new review is posted, my heart skips a little beat and my thoughts do a little sing-song, "A new review? Let's go see!"

No, let's not. Let's just get on with the business of writing the next book and making it even better. That's my goal and I'm sticking to it.

My First Sale

Since On Falcon's Wings became available for the Kindle, I have compulsively tracked its Amazon sales' ranking. If I didn't already know I have the perfect personality traits of a masochist, this little obsession proved it. Why else would I "subject myself to unpleasant or trying experiences", like writing and publishing something, while discreetly ignoring the fact that publication means someone might actually come across my little story and (gasp) read it?

Here's a little insight into how the crazed mind of a true masochist works, one selling her work for the first time on Amazon:

"Hmm...no change...no one's buying the book on Kindle... maybe people don't even own Kindles any more since that &*#$^*@ iPad showed up. What if no one ever reads the book? Oh holy Jesus. Have I totally wasted my time here? This is it – they hate me and they hate my book. Why else would they be ignoring it? It's right there! If I can see it, they can see it. What's the *&^$ problem? Goddammit all to hell. I knew I should have waited and did the paperback first. Aw, crap."

That all changed the day the sales' rank changed too, indicating that someone had bought my book. I don't know too many other authors as neurotic as me (well, yes, I do know one or two. Don't worry, your secret's safe with me), but here was my reaction. Not what you might think, or maybe if you know me really well, it's exactly what you'd think!

"OMG! Someone bought it! Someone really bought the book? OMG, that means they're going to read it. What if they don't like it? What if I get a bad review? Who is this person, who told them they could buy my book?! Oh holy Jesus. This is it – they will hate me and they will hate my book even more. How did they find it? From my blog, my website? What are they doing on my website or blog? Goddammit all to hell. It's probably just a pity buy from one of my family members…does anyone of them even own a Kindle? Aw, crap."

Do you notice any patterns here?

Self-Publishing: A Brave New World, Or The Same Old One?

I knew I had no business going on to Salon.com and reading Laura Miller's article on the "brave new self-published world" especially since I have a particular sensitivity to the topic. Still, I like living dangerously, so I stepped right into the fray...and almost had my eyeballs pop out of my skull. The section that really stuck out in my mind, aka bugged me, was how writers see agents and editors as gatekeepers, thwarting their humble efforts for a little recognition, a little money. If the same agents and editors would just move out the way, a million adoring fans would snatch up all those great books. I'm paraphrasing here. God, I hate sweeping generalizations.

Please excuse me as I rant. Sorry, Laura Miller: FAIL. Who in the hell really thinks that way? Please, let's find such writers and clue them in. If you're a writer considering self-publishing because it will bring fame and fortune overnight, I'm going to tell you what Susan Powter used to tell people in her 90's infomercial: STOP THE MADNESS. I'm about to burst your little bubble of insanity - fame and fortune will never come just because you've self-published. Why? It doesn't often come to midlist, traditionally published authors, who actually have large publishing houses behind them with a marketing department. The fact that most of that marketing money seems to go to the big names is a topic for another blog post. Back on topic, no right-minded author really thinks that self-publishing is the key. Those of us who've done it have a variety of reasons for not going the traditional route, and often, it's not for lack of trying.  

The article suggests that instead of editors and agents separating the wheat from the chaff, or as I liked, finding the good stuff among the "really, really, really, really terrible...vast majority", now the readers will suffer that mind-numbing task, as they choose among the 700,000 (!) self-published books and God knows how many traditionally published ones. So, I have to ask (and I did in a comment on the article), how is that any different from what readers have always done? Readers have always chosen with their wallets and they will continue to do so. Books of merit will rise to the top (of the sale's ranking, that is), and the dregs will remain where they belong. Self-publishing hasn't muddied the mix, it's opened up the field for some, notice I wrote some, who haven't gotten the lucky break they may otherwise deserve.

Ok, rant over.

The article did raise a point I found particularly interesting: Why should extroversion be required of a great novelist? It's interesting for me, because at heart, I am an introvert. I can still count on both hands the number of true friends that have gotten to know me, the real me, over the years. When I decided that writing was more than a hobby, I also quickly figured out that in order to get people interested in my writing, the naturally shy, reserved me would have to go. After all, how could I get people to buy my books, if I avoided talking about them?

Geniuses who once lived in their own insular writing world are relics of the past, and in the competition for critical acclaim and those all important dollars, can't afford to stay silent .  If that means you tweet your little heart out on Twitter, friend a random stranger on Facebook, keep updating a website and blog, just get over it and do it.  Also, it might be helpful to keep a working email or comments form on your website where people can write to you.

Case in point, I recently came across a beautiful synopsis of a SELF-PUBLISHED medieval on an author's website. Since I LOVE medieval settings, particularly the early Norman period, I emailed the author expressing interest in a review copy for the Historical Novel reviews blog. What did I get in reply? A bounceback because the email account was no longer valid. No comments or contact form either, but that didn't deter me because this person must have a Facebook page. My mother has a Facebook page. Anyway, I thought luck was with me. Instead, I found "Author Name only shares some of her profile information with everyone. If you know...."  Maybe I'm being too judgmental, but if you don't list an active email on your website AND you put up obstacles, however minor, for people who may contact you, you've just made it that much harder on yourself to connect with readers in this brave new / same old world of publishing. 

P.S. Even Anne Rice agrees with me: http://www.facebook.com/annericefanpage/posts/131658676868510

Decisions, Decisions...

It’s been hard to concentrate on my writing, when so many thoughts that have little to do with the actual writing have been running around my head. Is it time to chuck the manuscript(s) and start fresh? Or, do I self-publish, and if I do, how do I avoid a colossal failure? Should I go back to school and get the MFA my heart says I should? If so, why can't my overworked, tired brain figure out an easy way to make that extra schooling affordable?

Turns out, the decision regarding school is actually easier than anything else - if I can't afford it, I'm not going. Why might I think I can't afford it? One example is the open house at the New School, which I attended in February. Great programs, as are many of the others I've checked out in NYC, but the tuition? I'm still seeing stars from the five-figure quote. I've gotten lots of great advice as follow-up to my post on this topic, from friends, family and blog visitors, but at the end of the day, the tuition is a huge factor in my decision-making. Loans are no longer an option; loans shouldn't be an option for anyone unless they're planning to spend 10-30 years of their lives in misery afterward, or at least, that's my way of thinking in the post-grad world. To think if I had kids, I might still be paying back the law school loans while schooling them...scary! So, my dream of an MFA may have to become a dream deferred, at least until I can drum up the cash. Would be easier to do this if my writing were a paying gig, rather than a source of thankless, penniless frustration...hmmm.

The writing was a little more difficult. I've completed three manuscripts, and I'm currently working on my fourth and fifth. At some point in every writer's life, you start to wonder whether you really have what it takes, whether all those friends and your agent, and the nice folks in your critique groups have all been lying to you for several years, and the inescapable fact is you have not been published because you 1) cannot write well and / or 2) cannot write anything that anyone would want to buy. Or, is it just me who's facing that quandary? Anyway, all my fears and doubts have had a surprising effect; I've been easily frustrated in the past, enough to walk away from something. Still, I haven't deleted the manuscripts, burned my sources and vowed never to write again. I've decided to self-publish.

One of the blessings of having writer friends, both published and unpublished, is that each person brings a varying perspective to my quandary, and lots of love and support. Thanks, you guys, you're the best. Despite feeling overwhelmed, as though I have no clue what I'm doing (really, I'm not joking here, no clue whatsoever!), I've got friends who regularly chat with me on titles and covers, email me all the trends in self-publishing, or have volunteered to provide a blurb, or some selfless promotion. It's also a huge leap of faith to allow the market to decide whether my work is worthwhile. But that's no different from the dilemma facing every author who pursues the traditional route. And, while I don't expect to become filthy rich from self-publishing, Lord knows I don't intend to go broke either.

So, apparently, I'm not as indecisive as I thought, just takes me a little while to make up my mind.

 

The Author Pays the Price

During this morning's long, snow-bound commute, I read this article in the New York Times, the latest on the rising cost of e-books.  The topic's been in the news lately, feed by the brouhaha between Amazon and McMillan.  Some vocal readers are making their disgruntled feelings known, by going online to leave one-star ratings and negative reviews if the price is too high or the digital version is delayed.  For authors who've developed a loyal following, the loss of a few potential customers aren't going to put a dent, if any, in their sales.  But I've still gotta ask, why blame the author at all?  I understand angry readers' sentiments, being an avid book buyer myself, and the owner of a few e-book titles - I say a few because I only got into them last summer, while still being very attached to the traditional printing formats.  Sorry, but there something about the smell  and feel of a newly printed book...ok, back to topic.

This backlash on e-book prices and delays can only harm the author, who is often blameless. Despite the talk about Stephen King's Under The Dome last fall, in a traditional publishing model, you won't find many authors who have any say in the prices or release versions.  For books produced in any format, the author's time, the editor's energy and the publisher's money all play a part in the final product and its pricing.  Regardless of opinions about the quality of the writing, editing and promotion, there's still a bunch of hard-working people to be paid for their involvement in each aspect of publishing.  Besides, how is a publisher releasing the digital format of a book after several months, any less forgivable or unfair than a mass market paperback that comes out a year after the hardcover release? 

Leaving negative comments for authors because of their pricing or delays in digital delivery format, is unfair and harmful because it damages the author brand.  If you don't buy a book because it's overpriced, then the author has just lost a potential sale.  But if you buy the book, and trash the author over the pricing, maybe the book performs poorly and now that author is associated with poor sales and slammed by readers who may swear off buying or recommending his or her other books. For a newbie author, that's death, and almost assures that the next contract, advance or potential royalties are that much harder to get.          

Readers can get the best pricing by comparison shopping.  We all have choices in when and where we part with our hard-earned cash. If I think something is ridiculously priced, I don't buy it.  But, I also take it one step further and shop around, and you can bet if Amazon, or Borders or B&N.com, or a brick and mortar store has something cheaper, then that's where I'll go to buy it.   

By all means, readers, vote with your wallet. I do the same. But please, don't hate the authors for issues beyond their control. And yes, I'd still say that even if I wasn't trying to join their ranks.

Stupid Act # 3,905

So, in all the things that I learned last year, apparently, I missed out on one important lesson; researching thoroughly before committing myself to a certain course.

 I can probably blame this lapse on any number of things: a momentary brain freeze that stripped me of my good, common sense; or, I really am not as smart as I hope to be; or I just wanted to start out the new year by being a complete fool, just for the helluva of it.  But truly, this lapse resulted from YEARS of frustration with the route to publication, which all writers know has its pitfalls, and is NOT, unlike what some non-writer friends, or family members may think, a route we take because we're bored or until a better direction in life is found.  Writers tread such treacherous routes for many reasons, but the primary reasons are usually because: we love it and we want to be published authors.  But, sometimes we do silly things to achieve this.

I can't be possibly be alone in my stupidity.  Have you ever done something in your quest for publication, which you immediately regretted?